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Here is a sample from a lecture: 

What is a sexologist?

A sexologist is someone who is  well trained and educated on various aspects of sexuality.  It is not a licensed profession such as being an accountant, therapist, lawyer or physician.  I've been studying human sexuality since the 1970s (I was reading the medical journal Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality in my teens) and my focus while studying physiology and biophysics in college was to invent a new, reversible, non-hormonal contraceptive--which I did.  I've attended scientific conferences on sexual medicine, reproductive biology, neurobiology, the pharmacology of sex, and on alternative forms of sexuality---and I've lectured about 400 times around the world, on sexuality and other topics--since I was 24--giving a talk on reproductive biology to a graduate class at USC.  I read journals, articles and go to seminars and academic conferences around the world to keep informed on what's new in sexuality behaviors, medicine, and trends.

I've attended conferences on human sexuality and sexual medicine, as well as the psychology of sex, joining rooms full of physicians, therapists, nurses, university professors, and others involved in studying and improving sexual health, education and cutting edge views and theories to professionals who deal with the countless aspects that make up the many pieces of human sexualilty and behavior as you and I understand, see and practice it.

  • I've been a member of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT);
  • the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexualty (SSSS) and attended many of their conferences, as well as the 
  • World Association of Sexual Health (WAS) and International Congress on Sexual Medicine conferences...and dozens more over the last 20 or so years.


As a sexologist, what do you believe in?

At the 14th World Congress of Sexology (Hong Kong, 1999), the World Association of Sexual Health (WAS) adopted the Universal Declaration of Sexual Rights, which includes 11 sexual rights:

  1. The right to sexual freedom
  2. The right to sexual autonomy, sexual integrity, and safety of the sexual body
  3. The right to sexual privacy
  4. The right to sexual equity
  5. The right to sexual pleasure
  6. The right to emotional sexual expression
  7. The right to sexually associate freely
  8. The right to make free and responsible reproductive choices
  9. The right to sexual information based upon scientific inquiry
  10. The right to comprehensive sexuality education
  11. The right to sexual health care

This Declaration gave an influence on The Yogyakarta Principles, especially on the idea of each person's integrity, right to issues of sexuality, including the whole spectrum of Sexual and reproductive health and rights.


There are lots of therapists, sex coaches, psychotherapists, psychiatrists, urologists, nurses, physical therapists (deep tissue pelvic massage can help some women who have painful intercourse) and other professionals who just are NOT current on what's happening in sexual medicine or sex therapy.  Most physicians and nurses get very few hours of human sexuality education--and if they did--it might have been decades ago.  Not every professional is "sex positive" or understanding of the things that you do sexually.  For example, if you're kinky---and enjoy the things that 50 Shades of Grey is about (and there are lots of books that are lots better!)--but your physician or therapist thinks these things can only be abusive--and not consensual, loving, and erotic--it's time for you to find a sex positive professional who has a more up to date view of sexuality.


What's the one piece of advice you give to everyone who attends your lectures?

I give you permission.  Whatever you like to do sexually, alone, with your spouse or partner or friend, or alone, or with a room full of people that you've just met, if it is safe, sane and consensual, it's okay with me.

Don't misrepresent, don't mislead, do practice safe sex, and be sure that everyone is having a good time and getting their needs met.

Checking in with your partner(s) after sex or other bonding events is something I am in favor of.  This is called aftercare.  I'm a fan of giving and getting it!  There's no such thing as a three day rule, and it certainly doesn't apply here!!  What could be nicer than making sure that your partner had a great time yesterday, that they're feeling fine and happy?  Caring for another person is a good humane act!


In brief, what have you found out about dating and chemistry?

Well...I did an entire Ph.D. dissertation on it, using an open ended survey, and I gave it to over 100 people, equally divided between men and women, between the ages of 18 and 72.  And, I've done a lot of dating myself.  I've asked hundreds of people about their dating habits and insights.  I still go to academic conferences on sexuality, and read posts, blogs and articles to keep current on what experts (and non-experts) are thinking about dating--and chemistry--and sexuality in general.

Having a wish list is good.  But if it's about things like height, weight, income, academic background, or marriages or's good to toss that list away.  Some people are looking for someone to "sweep them off their feet."  This "love (lust??) at first sight" isn't any sort of guarantee that the relationship will last any more than the first date.  There's lots of rejecting based on looks from the photos on personals sites.  

I suggest more emphasis on personality.  Looks can grow on you over time.  Ask your friends who are in long term relationships.  Is the person warm, friendly, kind, funny and do they express an interest in you?  Have you been on first dates where the other person did all the talking? Or perhaps you were the one who did all the talking--but weren't aware of it?  If you're looking for a high powered professional, but you want to be with a partner who can travel the world with you--you should change your wish's hard to travel the world when you only have two or three weeks of vacation.

Meet people, be friendly, open, ask questions, don't be so fussy about looks, height, weight and occupation.  Find someone who shares your beliefs, hobbies, energy level, and your views on drinking, smoking, religion, music and who keeps you smiling and happy.  It's OK to put your partner on a pedestal. You know that in long term relationships, resentment, failure to communicate, and sex (between the two of you, anyway) often ends.  Caring and compassion, spark, and "do we hang out together well?" are key issues to  long term relationship happiness.

Dating is like a poker game.



If you know how to play poker (you get some cards, bet, get more cards one at a time and keep betting--or just quit (fold) if you think the other person will beat you)--then you know, since you've had lots of dates over the years--that dating involves a lot of quitting. in the early stages, usually at the end of the first date.  Sometimes, one of the people will be brave and honest enough to tell the other "I'm sorry, but this just isn't going to work."


"Rejection is easier than connection."---Robert Berend


You might be on a date and the other person has lots of traits that are on your wish list.   Consider burning your wish list, or paring it down to five or so conceptual traits that are really important for you. If you want to be with a high powered professional CEO, MD, lawyer type--remember that those long vacations in Bali and Italy will be few and far between, since most Americans get two weeks of vacation per year.

The person you're about to meet might have the checklist items down (age, height, weight, religion, they voted for the person you supported) and their views on smoking cigarettes, pot, crack and hookahs also mesh perfectly.  But, that unknowable, unquantifiable je ne c'est quoi, might be absent.  Are they avoiding eye contact? Do they give one word answers to your open ended questions, such as: where would you like to live? how was your year in Europe? what do you do for fun?  If so, it's time to fold, say good bye, and leave.  Gracefully and politely.

Or. luck is with you, and your having a great time, laughing, connecting, amazed at how much fun you're having, watching the restaurant close down behind you while you're lost in awesome connection, rapport and easy flowing conversation.  This awesome first date might never find a follow up second date.  People are afraid to connect.  No matter what.  Some people are open to new friends and spark and connection, and others--regardless of their on-line bio or professed open heart--are not.

If you're lucky, there will be a second date.  I've asked a lot of people (including random strangers, and people I've never met or had a date with) "how often does a first blind date turn into a second date?" and the answer, by an overwhelming majority is "just about never."


"Everyone is a uniquely shaped jigsaw puzzle piece." Robert Berend


The research for my Ph.D. dissertation also asked the over 100 respondents (in the San Francisco area--so morality, and it's lack, may be different in your city or mind) if having sex on a first blind date affected the likelihood of a second date.  40% of men and women said that it wouldn't affect the chances of a second date, 40% said there would be no second date, and 20% of both the men and women said they weren't sure.  But, if you're going to be having sex--please be sure to use a condom if there's penis-vagina or penis-anus intercourse, or if there will be penetration with toys.  Keep the condom on the entire time that penetration is happening...a recent study from the Kinsey Institute said that they found that people who were asked if they used a condom the last time they had penis involved sex had answers including "used the condom at first, but not at the end" or "not at first, but yes at the end."  I'm a  sex educator.  If you're having intercourse, and haven't been fully tested for sexually transmitted diseases--and, regardless, if you are reading this sentence--and I know you are!!!--please go get tested soon, if you're sexually active with anyone but yourself.   Gonorrhea, syphilis, HIV, chlamydia, herpes (half of you have it)...and remember, there are LOTS of sexually transmitted diseases that are not tested for---molluscum contagiousum (contagious!), venereal warts, trichomonas, and lots of other things.





You meet someone on that first date, and...

there's usually no second date.  Not for you, not for the other person.

You get to the date---coffee, drinks, lunch, dinner, a dog walk, tennis, or whatever you've decided--and---there's no spark.  The causes for rejection?  They (or you) did all the talking, or wouldn't ask a question.  Or you paid for the event--and the other person didn't say thank you.  Or they drank too much, were 45 minutes late, lied about their age by 15 years, or their height by six inches, or weight by a few score pounds.  Perhaps they voted for the wrong candidate, were dressed for the gym when you'd agreed to a fancy dinner, or...the countless of other things that have happened to you and me and made us pass on this person, and await the next blind date...who also didn't pass muster.

But, if you laughed, had spark, had FUN, and found rapport with the person, I suggest you give them another chance and another date.  Regardless of their looks, age, job, or other traits.  It's all about "how well do we get along."   And even if you're not sexually attracted to the person, a good friend is always good to have.  They might be perfect for one of your friends, they have stories and points of view different from yours, and making new friends as an adult is hard to do.


What are some books and websites you recommend?

The Guide to Getting it On is an excellent book for anyone interested in the range of human sexuality from development in the uterus to aging to alternative sexualities and disability.  Masturbation, kinky sex (BDSMD/s--bondage, disciple, sadism, masochism, Dominance and submission) are discussed, as are sexually transmitted diseases, relationships, homosexuality, and sex and aging...which happens to all of us.


For you, and your kids and grandkids, I also suggest the award winning site and

If you'd like to talk to someone, the San Francisco Sex Information Helpline is at 415-989-7374.  Feel free to call them (and you can send them tax deductible donations as well).  No matter what your question is on sexuality, they have a well trained staff, and they've heard your question lots of times before, so don't be embarrassed!  


Kink Aware Professionals is another website you might look at.  If you're looking for an estate lawyer who understands that you live in a polyamorous tribe, a physician who won't be judgmental when you're all black and blue from consensual S&M, or a contractor who is OK in building a dungeon in your house and has experience with that--it's a good place to look.


Porn isn't a good way to learn about sexuality, but there are lots of free porn sites to explore if you'd like.  You can just google what turns you on, and you'll probably find it on the web.  If you google "porn tube" you'll probably find the things you're into--and perhaps a few score more areas of sexual behavior that you never knew existed!!  Since there is no privacy on the web, and every site you go to is stored and recorded, you might want to use some privacy software...  It's OK to masturbate!  I give you permission!  It's fun, healthy and relives tension!



People have been talking about communication being the key for decades. Instead of rehashing all that. I've come to the conclusion that you're as good at communication with your partner and other people now as you're going to get. Keep practicing.  You'll be better at it a year from now and even better at it five years from now.


Try to avoid saying things like I don't want to talk about it. Talk about what you believe in, what you care about, and what you feel. Give the person you're talking to the freedom to talk back. Do your best to shut up when someone else is talking to you from their heart. Try not to yell. Prof. John Gotten has written four books on relationships and communication, and has been mentioned in countless articles. See what he has to say, and do what he says. One basic rule that keeps long-term relationships together is that there should be at least five compliments to each criticism. Be supportive of your partner. Disdain is a bad sign. If there's something on your mind, bring it up politely and with tact. If something is bothering you when someone asks you "what's bothering you?", and you say "nothing", you're cheating yourself. Don't hold onto the things that you want to discuss with someone you care about. The advice of Marge Simpson of The Simpsons cartoon television show is to take your emotions and bury them deep down inside. Try to do the opposite.